my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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