Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
