So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Pants are for mortals
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
