if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
