where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
