Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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