it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
