My friends, they love my intelligence
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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