so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
