Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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