If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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