Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
