She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
