I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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