The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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