Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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