I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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