You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
it's like iHOP with fire
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm always down for nudity.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
