Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
