I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
