Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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