there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
