I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm like, not good at living.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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