fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Randomize
