we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
