I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
