My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
