My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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