she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
