just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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