he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
