I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
