If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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