i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
