I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
