alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
