like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
