you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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