i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Randomize
