sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
