we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
