Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
