He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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