Don't make out with my wife yet
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
