Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
And then he peed in my hair
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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