ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
