I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
