Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
