She said her name was "party"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
