if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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