clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
