good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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