Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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