Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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