I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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