I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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