I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
